Wednesday, June 14, 2006

more fear than desire #2

I'm trying to find a course or a summer school or something to kick-start my creativity/printmaking again. It feels so dead in the water at the moment, and I feel the lack of it terribly. Where has she gone, that printmaker? I miss her: she was more fulfilled than I am today, even when she was mainly leaning against grubby surfaces and drinking tea. I miss wearing a filthy apron. I miss the irritation of ink stains on my clothes and the dry and brittle nails. Most of all though, I miss the process and the satisfaction of making things, and the feeling that I might actually be good at it.

Not doing it has become bigger than me, though. I can find a million and one reasons not to start printmaking again...the cost, the hassle of getting materials, the pointlessness of creating decorated pieces of paper which end up stacked under the bed, the fear of it all being rubbish. Mainly the latter, admittedly. I've actually had ideas for prints over the last year or so, but somehow I lack the courage to throw myself back in the water and start swimming again. In the meantime it's too easy to be wrapped up with going to work and the every day minutiae of living and to just keep putting it off and putting it off.