twelve: braindead

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It must be nearly the tend of term.

eleven: for ani

Disclaimer: I am not depressed. Not today, anyhow.

ten: end of term itis

Teetering.
Spewing.
Spilling.
Spreading.

Piles of shoes
Piles of books
Piles of post
Piles of dishes
Piles of marking
Piles of clothes
Piles of bags
Piles of rubbish
Piles of parcels
Piles of yarn
Piles of coats
Piles of magazines
Piles of jumpers
Piles of papers
Piles of cables
Piles of CDs
Piles of instruments
Piles of jewellery
Piles of towels

nine: optimistic

Back, but not really back. No warm embraces here.

We stalk down corridors. Skulk in corners. Mutter. Paranoid. Watching, waiting, speculating. We hide behind closed doors. We sniff out the wounded, sympathise, and then cross ourselves with relief because it isn't us.

Yes, we are serious. We couldn't be more serious. This is a matter of a life we once had, and a thousand little deaths. You wouldn't know, because you haven't asked.

The advent calender makes little difference. There may be tinsel on the tree but the fairy has failed to wave her wand. We are stuck here for the duration. It will not be over by Christmas. There are bad days just around the corner.

I don't know what the final sentence is.

eight

It is evening in this small town. The breaths of pedestrians plume. Busses hum past. Festive lights hang askew. Children call raucously across the street, and I pretend that they do not scare me. They do not scare me.

In the shops the windows are misted. The man in the newsagents is wearing gloves. The man in the library is rude.

Excuse me while I duck out for a moment. I probably shouldn't, but the dim glow of the interior calls me, and I am seduced by soft warmth.

I walk all the way home.

seven

What do you want?

I don't really want anything. I have got enough. Don't get me that though. I don't want that. I will be disappointed if I get that. Get me this. This that I don't need, but like. Or that. But not that.

I am not sure how it is that one wants nothing but could be disappointed by something.

It does not really make sense to me.

It is contrary.

I am a contradiction.

just write 6: nothing

This post is not about you.

This post is not about me.

This post is about nothing.

Shut your eyes.

Listen to your breathing.

Nothing.

just write 5: the last fifteen minutes

I have spent all afternoon making paper advent candles shouting about crayons and watercolour resist and sponge painting pieces of sugar paper with green paint glitter on our fingers dripping it everywhere he got it on me Miss ha ha he got it on me I do not need to wash my hands they are clean no they aren't you look like Shrek wash them in the sink in the cold cold water then didn't I say to clear this table before you painted I don't have a brush Miss I need some water Miss why are you under the table I am clearing up Miss well I did not ask you to clear up we will listen to the Christmas music but only if you are sensible happy Christmas war is over I have finished what shall I do? make another one where are the bits of paper over there by the brushes I do not have a brush I need some water I have finished why not colour in the gaps there are lots of white gaps try to paint to the edges paint over the edges watch out there's a crayon on the floor pick it up someone will tread on it and the cleaner will not be happy put those books on the floor before you paint why are you dancing Lou I said sensible remember you aren't allowed to enjoy yourself we do not do enjoying here now yes if it's finished put it on the table to dry make another one if your water needs changing take it to the sink don't push past people with water it will go all over the get some paper towels and wipe it up then don't worry it's only water it will dry right we have got to tidy up tidy up everybody put the paintings on the table the brushes in the sink the paints in the box not yet OK now put all the books back on the table and yes collect the scissors yes you can collect the pencils put the newspaper in the bin don't wave it about thanks the bell is going to go come on everybody tidy tidy tidy pick up the bits from the floor stand behind your chairs off you go goodbye yes if you can see your mum you can go goodbye yes that's fine you can go goodbye yes goodbye goodbye goodbye

just write 4: excuses

write. something.

(headache)

write. something.

(tired)

write. something.

(urgent need to google)

write. something.

(shout at cat)

write. something.

(browse knitting patterns)

write. something.

(online shopping)

write. something.

(hoover*)

write. something.

(facebook)

write. something.

(email)

write. something.

(tv)

write. something.

(bath)

write. something.

(no time! no time!)






*ha ha not really

just write 3: stream

banana
chicken
pineapple
elephant
jacket
rabbit
cheese

I am tired I did not sleep

cockerel
canapé
eggshaped
codicil
hula hoop
doorknob
green

just write 2: formulaic

blah blah blah blah blah
stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff
something revealing (carefully disguised)
distracting joke, preferably self depreciating
stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff
blah blah blah blah blah
swearword